What if I'm seen as bossy or difficult?
The Warrior Women Network was founded in late 2019 by Karla Morales-Lee. It is made up of 100 women social change leaders from diverse fields. I’m proud to be an early member and encourage you to sign up for The Warrior Women newsletter. Once a month, Karla hosts a forum where members submit questions, and other members with expertise in that area share what they know. This is the question I signed up to answer.
““As a woman, how do I avoid being seen as ‘bossy’ or “difficult” because I speak out about the changes our org needs to evolve to?””
I know many of you will balk at this question; dismissing it as sexist, patriarchal, out of date, or the ‘wrong’ question. I urge you to consider that even though we desperately wish questions like this were a thing of the past they are not. They are a daily reality for many many different kinds of women. I ask you to empathize and listen to women who are filled with this fear every day because they work in a system that is nowhere near ready to explore leading differently.
My answer is this.
You can’t avoid it.
Ensure you’re right, warm, compassionate, and factual and you’ll still be seen as “difficult” but hopefully respected nonetheless.
Step 1: Take a moment to understand where this behavior and fear come from.
As young girls, many of us were raised to be likable, obedient, peacekeepers. Negative words were used against us whenever we didn’t fit the mold. We were called bossy, catty, spoiled and we learned what behaviors earned us those names.
Beliefs about gender identity inform everything around us throughout our childhood from toys, to speech to body language. It is no wonder then that many women have subconsciously learned to wear a mask that allows them to avoid criticism and reproach. When we take off that mask there are negative consequences.
Research has shown that when women in meetings take up equal airspace to men, we are considered to be “dominating.” Research has shown that when women are seen to ‘self promote’ they are viewed negatively by both genders.
By speaking up and out you will be unpalatable to some - you’ll be too much or too quiet or too something for someone - you are challenging the status quo and that is threatening to all the people who are served by the status quo.
Step 2: Accept reality and create a strategy, gather evidence, and find support.
You might want to consider how you’ll look after yourself; find a mentor and find allies. And make sure you apply for a new job regularly. This is a brilliant way to stay connected to your value and your identity outside of your current workplace. Your organization doesn’t care about your career the same way you do. Your workplace will not repay your loyalty.
Step 3: Check your privilege
Being difficult is a huge privilege that many many women don’t have.
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This is harder for those who are not white, who may have a visible or invisible disability, who may be neurodivergent or from a working-class background, for those who didn’t go to certain universities.”
You can’t change how people view you. You can only change your behavior. If, having sought the wisdom of others, you conclude that you are being the right amount of ‘difficult’ required for the situation, then be confident and carry on.