Why you have to ruin dinner sometimes
This post was inspired by a text I received from a friend;
“I’d love your advice about what to do in family chats when they are all from the dark ages and I don’t want to ruin dinner”
My reply:
“You probably have to ruin dinner”
Of course, some dinners matter more than others and there’s a very special one coming up in a few days time. I want to share my thoughts on this conversation in the hope it helps you make a decision on how you will respond to prejudice over the coming weeks.
I’ve made an assumption that you WILL respond, that you WILL NOT let this behaviour go unnoticed. For me, this is a non-negotiable. Why? Because behaviour that remains unchallenged continues and then multiplies and if you don’t respond, who will?
Christmas day is upon us and the internet is swirling with advice on how to manage the stress, the emotions, the tension and the joy. I want you to think about something different. I want you to think about how you are going to respond when you hear or see something that you know to be harmful; racism, sexism or prejudice of any kind.
We must remain hopeful, roll up our sleeves and do the work. Sometimes ruining dinner is the work.
I understand every family is complex and I don’t underestimate the weight, complexity and vulnerability of family relationships. The dynamics are interlinked and every single one of us is unique in our relationship to conflict, debate and justice. Our perspective changes depending on our environment, mood and the wider context of the world.
I believe if we want to make the world more equal, then we have to take responsibility for action, the responsibility of speaking up. We cannot wait for others to speak up for us and we damn sure can’t pretend change will happen without us, without you. I also believe those of us with privilege must speak up and stand up for those who cannot speak or stand up for themselves.
More often than not, when we challenge prejudicial behaviour around the dinner table it does not feel good. It can feel scary, intimidating, vulnerable and often the stakes are high. What if I lose this persons friendship? What if I don’t have statistics to back up my point? What if people say I’m too highly strung? What if… what if… what if… What if you remain silent and the behaviour continues? This is the ‘what if’ to focus on.
Research shows that most people believe they will stand up to prejudice—questioning the perpetrator, noting the problematic nature of the act, or exclaiming surprise. However, less than half confront when faced with an actual instance of prejudice. Early research in this area suggested that there is a good reason for the discrepancy between what people say they’ll do and what they actually do. It turns out that there are some costs to confronting. Most of them are interpersonal—confronters are not always viewed particularly positively. They are sometimes likened to complainers or trouble-makers and often regarded as mean, impolite, or aggressive.
There is no doubt the costs are high. Challenging, debating and arguing takes energy, mental, physical and emotional energy which are in low reserve for many of us as we come to the end of a long hard year. But what’s harder, is facing prejudice every single day; at school, at work, at home, on the subway, in the library, at the gym. You bet it doesn’t feel good to challenge your racist uncle but it doesn’t touch the scale of hurt, pain and fear that many people who are the victims of prejudice face every single day from the moment they were born. Keep in mind for perspective, that the stakes are higher when you are at risk of losing your job, your education or even your life because of the prejudice - ruining a dinner in defence of this is a breeze in comparison.
Things that are not excuses for racism, sexism or homophobia
Being drunk
Being tired
Being stressed
Being ill
It’s Christmas
Things that are not excuses for witnessing prejudice and remaining silent;
Being drunk
Being tired
Being stressed
Being ill
It’s Christmas
Here’s how to approach these conversations in the hope that they won’t ruin dinner, but if they do, allow you to be ok with that.
Be empathic
Changing someone’s opinion is the goal, but that is extremely difficult so take your time and hold their perspective in mind, it might take a good few dinners.
Explain your why
Confronting isn't easy. Neither is being confronted. However, if we want to stop prejudice in our daily lives we have to do something. Hold on to your belief that everyone in our society has equal rights, which includes being treated with respect, being safe from harm and having equal access to opportunities and education.
Ask for an explanation
If the other person can explain where their opinion comes from it will establish a common ground. A powerful response to any “ism’ is to ask for an explanation or respond with complete but authentic bewilderment.
‘I don’t understand. Can you explain it to me?”
“I don’t get the joke. Can you help me understand?”
Authentically: “Gosh for a moment there I thought you said women make better parents than men?!”
Act with kindness
We don’t see lots of examples in our world of how to challenge unacceptable behaviour and opinions in a non-combative way so we have to seek them out. This is one of the most powerful examples I’ve seen in a while.
Stop if you become irritated
Big deep breath. If things become toxic stop. You spoke up, congratulate yourself.
Use I instead of we
When we talk about ‘we’ we are less open-minded and taking less personal responsibility for what we’re saying so ideally both parties in a debate benefit from staying away from ‘we’ and focusing on ‘I’ language
Stay safe
Of course, if you feel unsafe or threatened in any way it’s best to skip the conversation altogether. But most of us are lucky enough to be safe when we are sat around our dinner table.
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter”
Martin Luther King Jr.
What’s even better is the research shows confronting prejudice does work. It is a very effective way to get people to stop behaving in discriminatory ways.
I hope each and every one of you have glorious moments with the people you love over the next few days and remember you have an army behind you - even though we don’t have a seat at your dinner table.
“Fuck the easy life, the comfortable option, the growing old gracefully…”